Dudes, I'm going to PARIS!

After blabbing incessantly about it for two years, I finally hit the Purchase button and got myself a ticket to Paris for my birthday in October.

Cheese! Chocolate! Croissants! Start your diets! Get out the elastic waist pants! I'M GOING TO PARIS!

I went to Paris once before, in high school, clearly at the height of my fashion awesomeness. (I'm on the far left.)

Nothing screams Parisian like baggy jort-overalls.

But this trip will be different. Not only has my style savvy evolved over the last 15 years, I'm also a super mature adult.

I'm a slight francophile. That's what happens when you start French lessons at age 7. I have an unusual enthusiasm for pastries, and like Monica Geller, I could live in a house of cheese. My middle name is even French. Of course, since neither of my parents speak one word of French, I actually have a French boy's middle name, minus the cool accent. But whatever. So what better way to celebrate a milestone like my 32nd birthday than a trip to the (imaginary) motherland?

Although the only thing I've done so far is bought a plane ticket, I've already pretty much planned the entire trip in my head. And of course, I have compiled a list of movies for inspiration.

View from the Top - This is like the worst movie. Ever. Seriously terrible. But it's about flight attendants, and I used to be a flight attendant. And Gwynnie looks pretty cute in her yellow outfit strolling around Paris by herself. I figure that will be me. Looking gorgeous, strolling around the city in lipstick and heels, sitting on benches, staring wistfully out into the distance. Yeah, that's about right.

Amélie - This is the quintessential Parisian flick. If my visit is like this, I'm not coming back.

Midnight in Paris - While a lot of this movie takes place in the 1920s, it is beautiful nonetheless. I don't plan to do any time traveling while I'm there. If I do, it will be with my sports almanac so I can make a fortune betting, like Biff Tannen.

Something's Gotta Give - Diane Keaton always plays rich chicks. Basically I just want to go to Paris with her so she can buy me stuff.

Hotel Chevalier - This prologue to The Darjeeling Limited takes place in a Paris hotel room. It combines Paris, room service, Jason Schwartzman and Natalie Portman, all of which I am in love with. My long-term plan is to live a life of luxury in a beautiful Parisian hotel. This will be a location scouting trip for that.

The Airing of Grievances

In recognition of Festivus, I will now air my annual grievances.

• Why does The New York Times Weddings section only showcase Jewish couples with strings of Ivy League degrees and 20-year age gaps?
• LOLCats are not funny.

• Who uses words like, "leverage" or "aggregate" or "spur" on a regular basis? Lame marketing people like me.
• Raise your hand if you have run/are going to run/are currently running a marathon. Oh, everyone in the world? Good job.
• Unless you are a 9-year-old girl, Twilight sucks. It sucks. Same for Harry Potter. Adults, these obsessions are totally creepy.
• I got a $263 bill for sitting in a doctor's office for 10 minutes. No undressing. No exam. Nothing. High-deductible health insurance can bite me.
• I just got a ticket from the City of Dallas for running a red light. I was caught on camera. I was in the intersection for...wait for it...0.3 seconds. I'm considering taking a photo of a $100 bill and sending it to them.
• Zits and wrinkles. This is some kind of cruel cosmic joke.
• How do you get through college with bad grammar and spelling? How?
• Sarah Palin.

Moving on to the feats of strength. Where's my beer?

Happy Festivus, all.

Aliens I Wish NASA Had Discovered Today

So NASA found this stuff in a California lake today.

The headlines were more than a little misleading. Evidently NASA discovered...some weird lima bean-looking bacteria that sprout in arsenic. Awesome times ten. Now I'm sure to anyone who paid attention in biology class or passed did well in chemistry, this is kind of cool.

Yawn.

NASA, here are a few alien life forms actually worth a place in my Facebook status.

Yoda

He is the man, er whatever. He is a lean, green fighting machine. Plus he knows everything. And just try to talk like that. Stupid you'll sound. 

Howard the Duck

Not only did Howard kick the Dark Overlord's ass, he totally scored with babelicious rocker chick Lea Thompson. Sounds like one alien duck (??) I'd like to meet.

ALF 

I think a planet full of ALFs would be fantastic. He could help us get the damn cat population down.

Coneheads

I'm always looking for new companions with whom to consume mass quantities.

The Cocoon Dudes

Wilford Brimley never had to worry about his diabetes supplies again.

Ewoks

How are these adorable-icious little cuddly things even aliens? I bet somewhere on their planet we would also discover chocolate fountains and money trees.

E.T.

He has a thing for Reeses Pieces, he can make your bicycle fly, he has cute glow-in-the-dark insides, he loves beer, and he won't hog the conversation. Win.

Now, there are a few aliens I would rather leave on Pluto (if Pluto exists...has NASA figured that whole thing out yet?)...

Aliens

These are the scariest things I have ever seen. If these actually exist somewhere, we are unbelievably screwed. So Richard Branson wants to sell us all tickets into outer space, huh? Unless there is a Ripley clone seated next to me...with a bazooka...count me out, Dick.

Predator

Second scariest thing in outer space? This. Although AVP made this guy look a little wussy, I still wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley. I mean, the Governator got his ass handed to him back in the 80s.

Spock

The hand thing, the ears, the Vulcan Mind Probe...I don't trust this guy.

The Three Morons from "Earth Girls are Easy"

Most. Obnoxious. Aliens. Ever. Really, Gina? Really?

Famous Boys I Have Loved But Never Stalked

Tom Selleck. I don't know if this one even counts. I remember my mother making me call this mustachioed piece of hunk "bootiful" when I was like two years old, while watching Magnum P.I. in the den. Check out those jeans. You can see everything. Maybe it really was love...

Michael Jackson. Pre-WTF, of course. MJ was the only man I thought I was going to marry. I would have been over the moon about doing my tap routine to Thriller in fourth grade (complete with cardboard headstones and black lights), had I not already moved on to my Wilson Phillips stage.

Michael J. Fox. This man is no chicken. He made me a firm believer in time travel. And I think puffy vests are sexy.

The entire cast of Newsies. This is a movie about Christian Bale singing and dancing, surrounded by lots of other hot, singing, dancing boys. I have been aware of Christian Bale since 1992. Well aware. Very well aware.

Jordan Catalano. "I'm in love. His name is Jordan Catalano. He was left back, twice. Once I almost touched his shoulder in the middle of a pop quiz. He's always closing his eyes, like it hurts to look at things."

Butch Walker. Once the lead singer of one of my all-time favorite glam-pop bands Marvelous 3, Butch gave me a little sugar buzz from the way he was flipping guitar picks into the audience at now-ancient-history Trax in Charlottesville. God I love those glasses.

Zack Braff. He's a gigantic dork. I'm a gigantic dork. He's got a crush on Natalie Portman. I've got a crush on Natalie Portman. We're like, brain twins.

Johnny Depp. Do I need to explain this one? I assume you all have imaginations.

Stuff I Hate, a Non-Exhaustive List (Part 2)

• Uggs. There's a reason these are nicknamed "Fuggs." It's because they are fucking ugly. Yes, looking sasquatchesque from the mid-fake-tanned-calf down is an awesome look. Especially when paired with skanky jorts. Why won't they just die already?

• The word y'all in written form. Really? I hate this word enough when spoken. BUT. You took the time to reach for the shift and ' keys? The word you or the phrase you all are not only quicker to type, but they just sound, well, you know. If you still insist, remember it's y'all, not ya'll. Idiots.
• Harry Potter and Twilight. I'm grouping these two into one insanely irritating bullet point. I read the first Harry Potter book. It was pretty entertaining. So I read the second. It was the same book. Maybe that's because I'm not nine years old - or 29 years old with an IQ of a nine year-old. I stand firm against Twilight. I guarantee I just offended at least three people.

 

• Toe socks. WTF.

• Hot weather. This blows considering I live in Texas. Where is it hotter? Arizona? The Mojave Desert? The Sun? It is not OK to run the A/C at night at the end of October, because it's still in the 80s outside. Know what I learned about this summer? Heat rash and $200 electricity bills. 

• Empty airline exit rows. My ass is stuffed between an Elvis impersonator and 6'8", 350-pound  business traveler from Nebraska back here. There are two glorious roomy empty rows up there just begging for my company. Oh, but wait. What's that you say, Miss (crotchety old) Flight Attendant (on a power trip)? Those are reserved for passengers who've paid to sit there? You're kidding, right? Funny, I thought the exit rows were for exiting in an emergency. So since no one paid for the extra leg room, who helps when this plane is going down in a ball of flames? (I mean, yeah, probably no one at that point, but still.) If you are going to leave me back here with Elvis and Andre the Giant, I will be very hesitant to offer my former flight attendant skills should there be any kind of emergency. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, mkay? And bring me a Coke. In the can.

Five Things I've Discovered Via Mobiiiiiile

• My left foot is the best-tasting part of my whole body. I have 18 mosquito bites on that foot. WTF. On a size 7.5 foot, that is a helluva lot of nibbles. There isn't enough Cortizone on the entire planet to stop this itching. I'm so freaking lucky I was too young to remember having chicken pox...my parents would have murdered me. I am not of the "leave it alone" school; I'm more of the "whine a crapload and scratch the shit out of it until you have an ugly scar" school.

EW.

• There is at least one nude beach in Texas. It's called Hippie Hollow, natch. And it is frequented by people who ought to stay home when nude. As Jerry Seinfeld once said, "the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked." These folks? Bad naked.

• Taking mirror photos is hard. And dumb. But my hat is awesome.

• Baby eels have no faces. Or more likely, tapas restaurants are scamming folks by painting gray stripes on delicious salty noodles and serving them as baby eels. Duh times ten.

• You will always look at this. And then I will get to punch you.

Stuff I Hate, a Non-Exhaustive List (Part 2)

• Orange people. When will the madness end? I won't even go into that nasty, pungent chemical smell. (What is that, by the way? It can't be healthy.) Anyone who has ever studied art knows that orange is the exact complement to blue, which is to say that orange and blue are exact opposites...enemies. You know who's blue?

So orange people = Gargamel.

• Rush. If I ever find myself in a prison-camp torture situation (pretty likely at some point in my life, actually), there are only a handful of things guaranteed to make me talk. I don't want to compromise my situation by divulging these outright, but a steady stream of Rush songs may or may not be on the list.

• Getting up to pee at night. Maybe there's something to the adult diaper thing.

An Abbreviated Employment (Pre)History

I often get asked about the secret of my success. OK I will never be asked that question. But I've had some awesome fun interesting jobs in my life. Here are a few of them. (Yes, for real, just a few of them.) Laugh it up.

Position: Lifeguard
When: 1994-1997
Job Duties: Working on my tan; Acting too cool for school; Drinking as much free soda as I could possibly drink; Eating as many free microwave pizzas as I could possibly eat; Occasionally scooping a toddler out of the shallows before certain death; Blowing whistles
What I Learned: I really just don't tan well.

Position: Nanny
When: 1998
Job Duties: Going to the pool; Going to amusement parks; Going to the beach; Going to the mall; Going to the movies; Watching TV; Eating a ton of awesome crappy food; Oh yeah, hanging out with two rad kids who needed approximately zero supervision
What I Learned: Being paid to do nothing truly is my ultimate life goal, especially if it also involves unlimited snacks.

Position: Chilihead
When: 1998-2002
Job Duties: Stealing french fries off people's plates; Hiding outside by the dumpster at any mention of the words, "I need birthday singers"; Making up fake drink recipes, coloring them blue or green, serving them to drunk girls and calling them my specialties; Generally hating my life
What I Learned: You cannot, cannot get the smell of fajitas out of one of those polo shirts.



Position: Gadzooks Slave
When: 2001-ish (two weeks)
Job Duties: Selling crappy glittery halter tops to preteens; Climbing two stories on a wobbly ladder to reorganize the storage closet; Being ordered around by a bossy, bitchy 19-year-old store manager
What I Learned: Just leave on your lunch break and never come back. Seriously. Just leave. (Make sure you grab Sbarro on your way out of the mall, of course.)

Position: Flight Attendant
When: 2004-2006
Job Duties: Flying from bar to bar city to city in the US; Pointing my fingers on airplanes; Smiling; Wearing polyester, pantyhose and lipstick
What I Learned: US Weekly and People Magazine are more valuable to a flight attendant than actual cash.

Position: Call Center Rep
When: 2006 (two months)
Job Duties: Selling, selling, selling; Getting death threats from insanely pissed off customers
What I Learned: Never hang up, always be selling, even if the customer tells you to "go sit on something sharp, sweetie." (Yeah, I still don't know what that one meant. I think he was Irish?)

Position: Airline Gate Agent
When: 2006-2008
Job Duties: Hunky-dory flight operations at DFW airport, until not...like snow, or thunderstorms...or I think once a wheel fell off our plane?
What I Learned: Passengers will never understand.


"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” - Drew Carey

Stuff I Hate, a Non-Exhaustive List (Part 1):

• Those plastic loops that sneak their way out of the armpit area of any utterly age-inappropriate, see-through, polyester, braless, backless, sequined, under-twenty-bucks-but-so-what-it's-soon-to-be-smelling-like-Marlboros/vodka/cologne-and-tossed-in-the-Goodwill-pile-anyway top. I'm looking at you, Forever 21. There have been incredible scientific breakthroughs in clothes hanger technology over the years, rendering these armpit-nuisances worthless. Fail.

• Cropped pants. Please, someone fill me in. I don't get it. I want to get it. I feel left out. 

• Norm MacDonald.

• Cats doing stuff. I am an animal lover. People who know me know that. But this site makes me throw up a little in my mouth. 

• Babies doing stuff. Anne Geddes photos are simply frightening. See the baby-bunny-beastie below.

• Biting into something you think has chocolate chips and discovering they're raisins. 

Guilty Pleasures

Facebook: My ultimate form of escapism. I can easily waste an entire day browsing Facebook, looking for dumb groups to join, which might explain why I'm now a proud fan of "Bob Ross and His Happy Little Bush" and a member of "Hardee's Breakfast is the Sh*t."

Cheaters: I originally began watching Cheaters when I moved to Dallas and found out that it was a local show. I got really into it when I moved to New Jersey...I recorded all the episodes and would always try to figure out where they were in the metroplex, as if one crappy apartment complex looks any different from the next. I'm pretty sure I've lived in at least two or three of them, though.

Chips and French onion dip: I can imagine what I must look like stuffing my face with handful after handful of chips (corn or potato, doesn't really matter), dripping in French onion dip, and then pretty much licking the jar clean. Hot. There is a reason this is a guilty pleasure.

Craigslist Missed Connections: Don't know about it? You better get up to speed. Missed Connections is a mix of lonely dreamers, pathetic dumpees who long to reunite with their exes, and spouses who are attempting to cheat with the hottie they met at the party last weekend. It is junk food of the Internet.

Fashion don'ts: I like when celebrities look like shit. Especially when they look like shit and fat. It makes me feel good about myself. Yes it does.

Napping on the couch: Especially in the winter, or on a rainy weekend. Necessities within arm's reach? Some type of snack cake, the remote control, and...ahem...my woobie...

The entire bakery section at the grocery store: It doesn't really matter if something is about to expire. To me, that just means it's cheaper. I'm going to eat it all in one sitting...pie, dozen cookies, pound cake, whatever.

The mall: I am really ashamed of loving the mall so much. I don't know why this is. It's a place that I only like to go by myself, and I usually look as grubby and unrecognizable as I possibly can. I even have a ritual, which always, of course, includes Sbarro...and Forever 21.

Jerry Springer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, so this is what the world thinks of America. That's way too much thinking when I've got a midget food fight and a Reverend Schnorr wedding going on. Look down at me all you want. I wouldn't be caught dead watching "Dancing with the Stars" or "The Bachelor."

Really, really, ridiculously long showers: I mean, the kind that turn your skin bright red and only come to an end when you run out of hot water entirely. My dream house (that I'll have when I get rich...really soon) will have one of those glass-enclosed marble showers with a seat. Droooool...


Do you have any guilty pleasures?