Monday, June 21, 2010

An Abbreviated Employment (Pre)History

I often get asked about the secret of my success. OK I will never be asked that question. But I've had some awesome fun interesting jobs in my life. Here are a few of them. (Yes, for real, just a few of them.) Laugh it up.

Position: Lifeguard
When: 1994-1997
Job Duties: Working on my tan; Acting too cool for school; Drinking as much free soda as I could possibly drink; Eating as many free microwave pizzas as I could possibly eat; Occasionally scooping a toddler out of the shallows before certain death; Blowing whistles
What I Learned: I really just don't tan well.

Position: Nanny
When: 1998
Job Duties: Going to the pool; Going to amusement parks; Going to the beach; Going to the mall; Going to the movies; Watching TV; Eating a ton of awesome crappy food; Oh yeah, hanging out with two rad kids who needed approximately zero supervision
What I Learned: Being paid to do nothing truly is my ultimate life goal, especially if it also involves unlimited snacks.

Position: Chilihead
When: 1998-2002
Job Duties: Stealing french fries off people's plates; Hiding outside by the dumpster at any mention of the words, "I need birthday singers"; Making up fake drink recipes, coloring them blue or green, serving them to drunk girls and calling them my specialties; Generally hating my life
What I Learned: You cannot, cannot get the smell of fajitas out of one of those polo shirts.

Position: Gadzooks Slave
When: 2001-ish (two weeks)
Job Duties: Selling crappy glittery halter tops to preteens; Climbing two stories on a wobbly ladder to reorganize the storage closet; Being ordered around by a bossy, bitchy 19-year-old store manager
What I Learned: Just leave on your lunch break and never come back. Seriously. Just leave. (Make sure you grab Sbarro on your way out of the mall, of course.)

Position: Flight Attendant
When: 2004-2006
Job Duties: Flying from bar to bar city to city in the US; Pointing my fingers on airplanes; Smiling; Wearing polyester, pantyhose and lipstick
What I Learned: US Weekly and People Magazine are more valuable to a flight attendant than actual cash.

Position: Call Center Rep
When: 2006 (two months)
Job Duties: Selling, selling, selling; Getting death threats from insanely pissed off customers
What I Learned: Never hang up, always be selling, even if the customer tells you to "go sit on something sharp, sweetie." (Yeah, I still don't know what that one meant. I think he was Irish?)

Position: Airline Gate Agent
When: 2006-2008
Job Duties: Hunky-dory flight operations at DFW airport, until snow, or thunderstorms...or I think once a wheel fell off our plane?
What I Learned: Passengers will never understand.

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” - Drew Carey


You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

i love this entry and may have to steal it. don't worry, i will give you mad creds.

i worked as a nanny, call center rep, and fridays employee also. i'm one billion percent with you on that steaming fajitas bullshit.

allison said...

ha, the fridays folks were like our rivals in town. if you got fired from chili's, you went to work at fridays, and vice-versa.

Sara Louise said...

I got hired at a call centre once (I think they hired everybody) and left after about 8 minutes.