Justins Party

Tuesday, 4:06 p.m. A text message from a number I don't recognize:

Is Kayla like planning justins party

Oh well. I was hitting a mid-afternoon slump.

Didn't you hear kayla was in a bus accident?

No I didn't

So your running the party

Yeah but I'm thinking about changing the theme. What do you think?

Um I just want to go a sport theme like the world series

How did she get In a bus accident

I don't know. She's been drinking a lot.

Who

Kayla. Everyone knows that.

O noo she was not in a accident  and can I go to justin party

I don't want to do World Series. How about Rocky Horror Show?

Yea that works   I really want to know if I can go. Jack and Mikey are going

Are Kayla and Justin still together?

What I don't know

Why wouldn't you be able to go?

I'm just asking to go I went last time I hate the science hw

IDK I'll think about it. Maybe you can do my HW for me. TTYT.

Bye

Another milestone reached.

Well, it finally happened. 

My mother asked me if I'm a lesbian.*

I have crossed another bridge every single 30-something must bravely cross.

*I'm not. Yet.

Pardon our dust.

Yep, the neon cupcakes are gone. Also, since Ramona is no more (RIP), I felt it was time for a new title.

Here's the quick explanation. A friend of a friend of a friend was dragging a story out until everyone's eyes were sufficiently glazed over. His extremely long-winded point? He found five dollars.

As most of the crap I blog about falls into the same utterly painful category, I feel like this is pretty accurate.

I ought to wear a helmet.

So I woke up with a big puffy eye the other morning. To everyone's shock and disappointment, it was not pink eye. I am actually able to refrain from sticking the same fingers in my eye that I stick in my butt. I have two hands, people. No, this mini-shiner came from a direct face-wall collision the night before. If you are a long-time reader, you may recall that I hate getting up to pee at night. I bet you didn't know this was the reason. Fortunately, the only damage was a little goose egg-type situation that lasted about 24 hours.

I'm a walking disaster. At any given time, I am 98 percent guaranteed to have an injury somewhere. I will often find mysterious giant green bruises…on my ass. How do I get a bruised ass? Am I sitting with too much force? Are my britches too tight? What am I doing wrong?

I broke two fingers playing kickball when I was a kid. Who does that? I went to scoop up a gently rolling grounder. And broke two fingers. So 20 years later, here I am, back on a kickball team. (The KILFs. Don't hurt yourself figuring it out.) Proudest moment of the season? My face-first flop onto first base. Not into first base. Just onto it. In my defense, it was muddy. Which really just meant that I looked like an asshole…covered in mud. I almost passed that dive off as intentional. Almost. No, seriously. At least I didn't break anything. We'll see how indoor season goes this fall. A lot more hard surfaces involved there.

I'm just glad my name isn't Grace. That would be a lot of pressure. Grace Kelly pretty much killed it. But I would not have been able to hang. Who's got two thumbs and has walked all the way across a college campus with the back of her skirt tucked into her tights? This girl.

How am I still allowed to go out in public?