I ought to wear a helmet.

So I woke up with a big puffy eye the other morning. To everyone's shock and disappointment, it was not pink eye. I am actually able to refrain from sticking the same fingers in my eye that I stick in my butt. I have two hands, people. No, this mini-shiner came from a direct face-wall collision the night before. If you are a long-time reader, you may recall that I hate getting up to pee at night. I bet you didn't know this was the reason. Fortunately, the only damage was a little goose egg-type situation that lasted about 24 hours.

I'm a walking disaster. At any given time, I am 98 percent guaranteed to have an injury somewhere. I will often find mysterious giant green bruises…on my ass. How do I get a bruised ass? Am I sitting with too much force? Are my britches too tight? What am I doing wrong?

I broke two fingers playing kickball when I was a kid. Who does that? I went to scoop up a gently rolling grounder. And broke two fingers. So 20 years later, here I am, back on a kickball team. (The KILFs. Don't hurt yourself figuring it out.) Proudest moment of the season? My face-first flop onto first base. Not into first base. Just onto it. In my defense, it was muddy. Which really just meant that I looked like an asshole…covered in mud. I almost passed that dive off as intentional. Almost. No, seriously. At least I didn't break anything. We'll see how indoor season goes this fall. A lot more hard surfaces involved there.

I'm just glad my name isn't Grace. That would be a lot of pressure. Grace Kelly pretty much killed it. But I would not have been able to hang. Who's got two thumbs and has walked all the way across a college campus with the back of her skirt tucked into her tights? This girl.

How am I still allowed to go out in public?