Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Airing of Grievances

In recognition of Festivus, I will now air my annual grievances.
  • Why does The New York Times Weddings section only showcase Jewish couples with strings of Ivy League degrees and 20-year age gaps?
  • LOLCats are not funny.
  • Who uses words like, "leverage" or "aggregate" or "spur" on a regular basis? Lame marketing people like me.
  • Raise your hand if you have run/are going to run/are currently running a marathon. Oh, everyone in the world? Good job.
  • Unless you are a 9-year-old girl, Twilight sucks. It sucks. Same for Harry Potter. Adults, these obsessions are totally creepy.
  • I got a $263 bill for sitting in a doctor's office for 10 minutes. No undressing. No exam. Nothing. High-deductible health insurance can bite me.
  • I just got a ticket from the City of Dallas for running a red light. I was caught on camera. I was in the intersection for...wait for it...0.3 seconds. I'm considering taking a photo of a $100 bill and sending it to them.
  • Zits and wrinkles. This is some kind of cruel cosmic joke.
  • How do you get through college with bad grammar and spelling? How?
  • Sarah Palin.
Moving on to the feats of strength. Where's my beer?

Happy Festivus, all.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Aliens I Wish NASA Had Discovered Today

So NASA found this stuff in a California lake today.

The headlines were more than a little misleading. Evidently NASA discovered...some weird lima bean-looking bacteria that sprout in arsenic. Awesome times ten. Now I'm sure to anyone who paid attention in biology class or passed did well in chemistry, this is kind of cool.


NASA, here are a few alien life forms actually worth a place in my Facebook status.

He is the man, er whatever. He is a lean, green fighting machine. Plus he knows everything. And just try to talk like that. Stupid you'll sound. 

Howard the Duck
Not only did Howard kick the Dark Overlord's ass, he totally scored with babelicious rocker chick Lea Thompson. Sounds like one alien duck (??) I'd like to meet.

I think a planet full of ALFs would be fantastic. He could help us get the damn cat population down.

I'm always looking for new companions with whom to consume mass quantities.

The Cocoon Dudes
Wilford Brimley never had to worry about his diabetes supplies again.

How are these adorable-icious little cuddly things even aliens? I bet somewhere on their planet we would also discover chocolate fountains and money trees.

He has a thing for Reeses Pieces, he can make your bicycle fly, he has cute glow-in-the-dark insides, he loves beer, and he won't hog the conversation. Win.

Now, there are a few aliens I would rather leave on Pluto (if Pluto exists...has NASA figured that whole thing out yet?)...

These are the scariest things I have ever seen. If these actually exist somewhere, we are unbelievably screwed. So Richard Branson wants to sell us all tickets into outer space, huh? Unless there is a Ripley clone seated next to me...with a bazooka...count me out, Dick.

Second scariest thing in outer space? This. Although AVP made this guy look a little wussy, I still wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley. I mean, the Governator got his ass handed to him back in the 80s.

The hand thing, the ears, the Vulcan Mind Probe...I don't trust this guy.

The Three Morons from "Earth Girls are Easy"
Most. Obnoxious. Aliens. Ever. Really, Gina? Really?