Monday, June 28, 2010

Road Trippin' Rules

I went on a road trip last weekend from Harrisburg, PA to Dallas, TX...1,438 miles, for anyone interested. Now, because this was a bit of a last-minute trip, I did not adhere to the Road Trippin' Rules. Forgivable in this case, but if you're planning your own excursion, try to adhere to these tips for maximum funnage.

1. Road snacks are a necessary item. Preferred foods are Combos (pizza-flavored) and M&Ms (peanut, unless you're an allergic freak), but it is essential to stick purely to processed foods. Note: Hostess products may be a temptation at the gas station, but stay away. They are not car-friendly. Especially fruit pies.

2. Play car games. "Punch buggy" and the license plate game are two great standbys. I was introduced on this trip to two new games, both of which I lost royally, so I do not recommend those games those games are dumb.

3. Stock your iPod. Tunes are a must on long road trips, and it's best if you create an extra-special road trip mix, including hits like Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" and Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway." Stay away from  "I Can't Drive 55" by Van Halen. Why? Because that song sucks.

4. Roadside attractions like five-legged cows and the biggest ball of string are purely for your entertainment. Fork over the $12 admission, ya tightwad, and check out the prairie dog city.

5. Regarding roadside restrooms: hover.

6. Wear loose clothing. Road bloat is real. Air conditioning + Combos + giving in to the Hostess temptation + McDonald's + busting your lungs to Tom Petty's "Free Falling" = gas.

7. Drive the speed limit, dumb ass. Especially in Virginia. Or anywhere in the southern states if you have New York tags. Have you seen My Cousin Vinny?

8. Stay awake...caffeinate. I am witness to the miraculous effect that seven cups of coffee and two Red Bulls can have.


You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

1. i prefer starbursts and gardettos so i can bitch about my cavities hurting and also have bad breath while doing it.

3. i used to work for a branding company and we did a major event for blue shield that was race car themed. i had to listen to that piece of shit "i can't drive 55" on loop for 4 days straight. that was also the time i went mental.

6. while doing any kind of "sitting for a long time" trip, it is best to wear clothes that is so loose it barely grazes your skin bc by the end of the trip you are going to look like the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

this last entry warmed the cockles of my heart so much, i just gave you an award.

allison said...

omg! thank you infinity! i will add it to my enormous trophy case. which is currently empty.