Sunday, December 27, 2009

Permanence Pansy

I guess you could call me afraid of commitment. Not just in relationships...I won't join a gym if there's a long-term contract, I refuse to be locked into a car payment, I won't sign an apartment lease (and perish the thought of a mortgage), I don't even keep anything in my refrigerator. If a tornado came and sucked me off the planet right now, there wouldn't be much left besides the greasy spot on the ground - this blog, a couple of J. Crew cardigans and some boots, a Nutcracker collection, and a beat-up old Subaru.

Now, I go back and forth on this. I’m unsure what my life holds for me, and I want to be ready to move if the opportunity presents itself. I couldn’t imagine being tied down to the same place for the next 25 to 30 years.  To me, that's sensible. I have changed locations so many times in the last 10 years, that I've found it easier to just live with the necessities. It's extremely hard to pick up and start all over.

Despite my efforts to remain uncommitted to anything or anyone, I have to admit that I have an intense longing for security and belonging, neither of which can happen without commitment. And though I don’t want to be tied down to a job or a house, I still want the security of knowing where my next pay check will come from or where I’ll live next month.

For the immediate future, I live in a nice place, and I have a fulfilling job that I  love. But it doesn't seem permanent. I spend a lot of time - all my time - coming up with alternate plans. Life has thrown me quite a few curveballs recently, and I'm still perfecting my swing.

Someone once told me I seem like I'm flailing through life. I feel more like I'm hopscotching. All the other kids already finished the game and went inside, and I keep losing my balance and starting over.

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